TeaTime with Sauron
by Vaya
Summary: Follow up to Good Morning Isengard, spoilers for Return of the King. Either wait till the movie, or read the books, or accept that you don't care. NOW COMPLETE!
1. Default Chapter

The shiney ball came wizzing out the tower, flew past Wormtongue's head, barely missed Gandalf's ear, and descended down toward the two hobbits, smoking at the bottem of the stairs.  
  
Pippin saw it coming and stood up with his arms scooped in front of him.  
  
"I got it!" he yelled, "I got it!"  
  
It impacted heavily with his chest, knocking him on his back. He lay there with the palantir on his chest, groaning, while Merry howeled with laughter.  
  
Gandalf came running down the steps, "What happened?!" he cried.  
  
"He got it," Merry said, and then started coughing.  
  
Gandalf stomped over to Pippin and scooped the Palantir off him, wrapping it in his cloak.  
  
"Shiney...." Pippin said dreamily.  
  
"Fool of a Took! How many times have I told you not to grab strange balls?"  
  
There was a smattering of snickers behind him, as Aragorn and his friends came down the stair.  
  
"Oh grow up," Gandalf said impatiently, "if you snicker at everything, you'll never be king."  
  
Aragorn looked hurt, "Fine then, see if I invite you to my wedding now!"  
  
He stalked off with Legolas and Gimli to sulk.  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes, "Stupid git, who does he think is paying for that wedding?" he said under his breath.  
  
Pippin got up and started reaching for the Palantir, wrapped up in Gandal'f cloak, like a child reaching for candy.  
  
"Shiny..." he said, "I want to play with the shiny ball."  
  
"Well you can't," he gestured towards Merry, "Oi, you deal with your cousin, he might have a concussion or something, I must go talk to Treebeard."  
  
Merry got up and patted his cousin on the back, "Here mate," he said passing the weed, "you'll feel better after some of this."  
  
"Shiny..." Pippin said, taking the pipe.  
  
Gandalf trumped over to Treebeard, who was leaning against a wall with some of his treepals.  
  
"Hey Gandude!"  
  
The Wizard stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes in irritation, "It's Gandalf."  
  
"Ok, whatever dude. What's happening?"  
  
Gandalf counted from one to ten in his head, before he answered, "We are about to take off for Minas Tirith, I need a favor from you."  
  
"Whatever you say man, especially if it means working against the man!"  
  
"Erm, yes, I want you to make sure he doesn't leave."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Saruman," Gandalf said in a tired voice.  
  
"The dude in the tower?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
Treebeard looked up at Orthnc, "Dude, that's heavy."  
  
"Treebeard," Gandlaf said, trying to shove some patience in his voice, "Saruman destroyed your forrest, right?"  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"He betrayed the sacred trust between a wizard and the forces of nature."  
  
"True but-"  
  
"He called you names!"  
  
"Look Gandude," Treebeard said, "you don't get it. We're trees man, everything slides off of us. I mean, true I went ballistic, who wouldn't? But it's in the past man, gone, ancient history."  
  
"This was yesterday," Gandalf said quietly.  
  
"Dude, to a tree, it's all the same."  
  
One of the other ents nodded, "Dude, that's so beautiful."  
  
"Look!" Gandalf said, losing patience, "I don't care what you do, just make sure, he doesn't leave!"  
  
"Saruman?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"I still think it's harsh dude," he said.  
  
"Good, form a protest group, sit in a circle and sing, smoke till you are petrified, just keep him in the tower."  
  
"Can he leave with us?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What if he promises to return when he's done taking a pee or something?"  
  
"Look, just don't talk to him."  
  
Treebeard shook his head, "Ok Gandude, whatever you say."  
  
Gandalf nodded curtly, then turned to leave. He stopped suddenly when he realized that Treebeard and his pals were following him.  
  
"Where you going?" He asked over his shoulder.  
  
"We're coming with you."  
  
"No," he turned around completely, and started speaking very slowly, "I want you, to stay here, and make sure, he doesn't leave."  
  
Treebeard gazed at him a little glassily for a few moments, and then it was as if light had finally dawned on him and he said, "Ooooh, now I get it! Excellent Gandude, no problem."  
  
He then went back with his pals to teh base of Orthanc, and told the rest of the trees, who seemed very pleased with the idea.  
  
As Gandalf turned to rejoin his companions, they started to sing camp songs, starting with Kumbayah, and promising to get more syrupy.  
  
Saruman leaned out his window and yelled, "Damn you! Don't leave me like this! Burn me up, drown me, but don't subject me to this!"  
  
Gandalf smiled as he walked away. 


	2. MidAfternoon Trisquit

Leaving the area code of Isengard, the King's company, friends and relations rode slowly thought the rolling hills of Rohan.  
  
"You hills stop rolling!" Gandalf cried, "you're slowing us down!"  
  
"Sorry," said the hills.  
  
"Bloody landscape," muttered Gandalf.  
  
The company was able to make good time, once the land settled down. They rode long and hard, occasionally stopping for bathroom breaks, and occasionally to check the map, and maybe ask for directions.  
  
During the long ride, Pippin rode with Aragorn, who muttered under his breath.  
  
"Call me childish will he, codgy old man, playing with his hobbits and his glowing orbs..."  
  
Pippin perked up when he heard his beloved shiney ball mentioned, "Can I play with the ball, Aragorn?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The ball, I want to play with the shiney ball."  
  
"Hah!" Aragorn scoffed, "Good luck, now that that grabby old codger has it. He's gonna hoard that thing, never let anyone see it, and then pretend it was nothing."  
  
Pippin frowned, "but it's my shiny ball."  
  
"No, it's his shiney ball now. Cause he has to have everything. The ball, the army, the hobbits, the bloody throne. Prolly eying my Arwen. Well, hah, over my dead body."  
  
Pippin considered this for a few moments, thinking of something intelligent to say, but decided to hell with it and muse about his shiney ball, and let Aragorn rant.  
  
Meanwhile, up ahead, Merry sat behind Gandalf.  
  
"So, if a woodchuck does that chuck that much wood in an hour, how much can it chuck in a day?"  
  
"No, those secrets are to be kept secret, for they are the great mysteries of the universe, not to be known by earthly creatures."  
  
".....huh?"  
  
Later, in the evening, as the sun set over the rounded, but stationary hills, and the darkness gathered about them, they set down for camp.  
  
Gandalf went to sleep with the palantir under his arm, while Merry and Pippin hunkered down on the other side of camp.  
  
Pippin couldn't calm down. No matter what position he tried to take, it wasn't comfortable. Either he was lying on something, or his arms weren't in the right position, and to make matters worse, he didn't have that ball in his arms.  
  
Merry meanwhile, just lay there looking at the stars, a great question on his mind. "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? What is a tootsie pop?!"  
  
So in contemplation of the great questions of the universe was he, that he didn't realize his cousin had gotten up and was sneaking towards Gandalf....  
  
TBC 


	3. Warm Milk

Pippin sneaked very sneakily through the camp of riders, who had no watchmen apparently. Frankly, I just want to take this moment to remind you that when you are camped out in the middle of nowhere, even if you are with an army or just a few rag-tag party of adventurers, set up watches.  
  
Trust me, this can save your life.  
  
Anyways, Pippin crept like a mouse on the table toward the roll where Gandalf was sleeping, sucking his thumb.  
  
"Well, just huh," thought Pippin. He had barely time to think on this, though, because his eyes were pulled toward the ball, wrapped up in the Wizard's cloak. Gandalf was holding it like it was a teddy bear, a very, very round teddy bear.  
  
Pippin thought for a moment what to do. He couldn't take the shiny round ball, Gandalf would notice, and then there'd be trouble, nothing worse than a disgruntled wizard awoken from his beauty sleep.  
  
What he needed, was a teddy bear.  
  
He snuck off back to Merry's napsack and found what he was looking for. Tucking it under his arm, he crept away silently, and still unnoticed thanks to the lack of watches.  
  
As he was coming up to Gandalf's sleeping area, there was a muffled voice under his arm.  
  
"Quiet you," he whispered, but it kept going.  
  
"Alright fine," he said, pulling the teddy out from under his arms, "what's the matter?"  
  
"I find this whole abduction rather unnerving," said Teddy.  
  
"What?" Pippin asked, "Oh it's only for a minute, I need you to sit with Gandalf for awhile."  
  
"Oh no," said Teddy, wrinkling up his little nose, "he doesn't like me, every time I try to tell him a story he gets angry."  
  
"Well then don't try to tell him one, just lie there and be cuddly, I just want to look at the ball, and then I will switch you back, he won't even know"  
  
"Well, ok, I always wanted to know what kind of cuddler he was."  
  
"Ew," said Pippin, as he tucked Teddy back under his arm.  
  
He snuck up next to Gandalf, and very, very carefully, moved the Wizard's arm. Gandalf grunted slightly. Pippin continued to raise his arm. Gandalf murmured something about eagles, Pippin halted for a second.  
  
"Arwen please, let an old man sleep."  
  
Pippin's eyes went wide, Teddy squirmed under his arm.  
  
"Well come on then, I'm suffocating here."  
  
"Wait," whispered Pippin, "this sounds interesting."  
  
Gandalf continued to mutter and mumble, and finally said, "Oh fine hop on in," and rolled over, releasing the ball.  
  
Pippin barely contained a squeal of glee and carefully removed the ball, replacing it with Teddy. He hoisted the ball up and started to stalk away, chuckling to himself. Teddy meanwhile, found himself smooshed up next to Gandalf.  
  
"Mrph, oh that's it, I am telling you a story."  
  
Pippin found himself a nice little spot near his sleeping roll, and rested the ball on his cross legs.  
  
"Ok, erm, now what?"  
  
The ball sat there, staring up at him blankly.  
  
"How does this thing work?" Pippin stared into it, hoping it would send back an answer.  
  
At first it was blank, and then it started to swirl slightly. Then the swirly's had color, Pippin was drawn further in, and started to feel a little nauseous.  
  
The swirley's became faster and faster, and Pippin thought he was about to toss his cookies when it suddenly stopped, and the ball gave a little "Ping".  
  
A little sign came up, "Welcome to the Palentir network, please wait till we download your request."  
  
A little bar then came up, which started to fill with color. Pippin felt it was amazingly slow, and found himself tapping incessantly on the palentir. After what seemed an eternity, there was another ping.  
  
"Thank you for you patience," said the box, "we are now linking you to the Mordor."  
  
There then appeared a tower lighted with many fires, surrounded by orcs, and topped with a great, big flaming eye. It screamed big, noisy evil.  
  
The eye was the center of everything and it started to grow bigger, or maybe it was him that was getting closer, until finally it took up the whole view.  
  
A great, deep and rumbling voice then boomed around him, in him, it seemed to almost consume him.  
  
"Who the bloody hell are you?" 


	4. A cuppa tea

Ok, guys this is it for this part, the last chapter...  
  
*******************  
  
Pippin stared into the glowing orb in horror. The eye simply blinked, "Well, who are you?"  
  
He tried to speak, but found that his voice would not respond. Instead he sat there and gaped, while the eye narrowed in frustration.  
  
"This is Saruman's Palentir, what are you doing with it?"  
  
Pippin continued to gape, his eyes bulging in terror. They eye continued to bore into him for a few seconds, until it widened with a sudden revelation.  
  
"Oh, I get it! You're that little punk who's got my ring! Saruman caught you didn't he?"  
  
There was a vicious peel of laughter which made Pippin cold to his very core. He tried desperately to cry out, shut his eyes something to get away from this horror.  
  
"Ok, ok," said the voice, which then made sounds, like someone clearing his throat. The fact that it didn't seem to have a throat made it even more disturbing to Pippin.  
  
"Ok," it said again, "now I am ready to terrify you."  
  
There was a rumble, and the eye turned a bloody shade of red, the voice became even deeper, more ominous and Pippin felt that this was it, he was dead.  
  
"Now you will feel the wrath of ----BEEEP!"  
  
The eye suddenly vanished, and in it's place was the little box, and on it, it said, "We're sorry, but your connection has been disconnected, because the user of this palentir has not paid his bill. If you wish to continue, you must pay a fee of---"  
  
The box was interrupted, and there followed a long string of beeps and static, before the eye reappeared.  
  
"Damn it Saruman! I told you to pay that bill! Alright," it said, narrowing the eye on Pippin,"I am NOT fooling around anymore, I am going to terrify you until your insides turn to stone, and your eyes burst from your head. You're soul will be trapped, forever in terror, in your body."  
  
Gandalf meanwhile was having a very bizarre dream about skipping through a land where the sun was shining, everything was a multitude of nerve- jangling colors, and gumdrops (whatever the hell those were), were growing on the trees. There was also something about a "bad mister wolf", before he began to realize something was up.  
  
Thankfully, he was awoken from this sickening dream by an ear-splitting scream, which shattered the fantasy. He woke up, and realized that the round, hard thing he had been holding, was now suddenly soft, squishy and bear-shaped.  
  
"Oh, hello Gandalf, I trust you are enjoying your bed-time story!" said an annoyingly high-pitched voice.  
  
Gandalf got up, throwing the bear from him in disgust.  
  
"Oh all right fine," said Teddy, "but you were sucking your thumb."  
  
"No I wasn't, and if you say I did I will turn you into a Teddy Ruxbin."  
  
"I'll be good."  
  
Gandalf nodded curtly, and headed over to the source of the commotion, where people were already gathering. He pushed his way through the crowd, using his amazing importance to move them aside.  
  
Pippin was lying on the ground, staring up into the sky, gibbering madly. Next to him was the palentir, which kept repeating the same message over and over again.  
  
"BEEEEP, we're sorry, but there has been an illegal opporation. The owner of the server, mordor.com, informs us that they are sending a Nazgul to deal with the problem. Thank you for your patience. BEEEEP" 


End file.
